So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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