theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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