drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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