Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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