i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
