yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
