I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
