you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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