it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
