So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
