so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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