I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize