I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
