I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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