I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
