Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
