my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
