my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
