Farmville is her only friend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
