oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
