My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
