I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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