Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have tasted many bathrooms
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
