This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well I just put wine in my tea
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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