I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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