but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
