where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
