We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
