Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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