i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
