Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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