I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
