three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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