our cab driver is having phone sex.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
