my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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