I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
