it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
