My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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