Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
