I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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