I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize