Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
