Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
