So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
