Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
