I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize