You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
