Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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