No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to calm my uterus...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
