Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
