everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
