just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize