all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
