God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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