it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
