the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
