Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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